All you need to know.....

After a contentious debate on the senate floor and months of fiery rhetoric, Samual Alito was confirmed to the Supreme Court today. All you need to know? Stock up on Trojans.
-Stephen Colbert

Gotta love the moral assholes

More and more pharmacists are refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control because of their personal moral objections. Hey, you know what would really teach us a lesson? If you took off your pretend doctor jacket and got another job. Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe cutting off the pill doesn’t even go far enough. It’s high time activist drugstores stopped coddling sluts on every aisle. Let’s not sell any more makeup either. A good woman doesn’t paint herself. And no more deodorant. You should smell bad...keep the boys from getting ideas. And no suntan lotion. I’ve seen what happens at the MTV Beach House, you whore. You want to avoid melanoma? Buy a veil.
Why is this country becoming Utah?!
I know the other side is saying, yes, but this is a moral issue. Yeah, but the problem is, not everyone gets their morals from the same book. You go by the book that says slavery is okay but sex is wrong until after marriage, at which point it becomes a blessed sacrament between a husband and the wife who is withholding it.
Let me say to all the activist pharmacists out there, the ones who think sex is bad probably because sex with them always is —fellas, a pharmacist is not a law-giver, not even a doctor. In the medical pecking order, you rank somewhere in between a chiropractor and a tree surgeon.
You don’t answer to a law above the laws of men. You work for Sav-On. The doctors are the ones who make medical decisions because they went to medical school, whereas you were transferred from the counter where people drop off film.

Hey, go easy on those fucking candies!!

-A Jewish pedophile after luring a young boy into his car...

The bad thing about living alone is that you can't call anyone and say, "Honey, where did I leave my car keys?" But not having to listen to the 10-minute lecture on the need to put your keys in the same place every time more than makes up for it.

Don't do it!

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive
on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered
the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped
the woman off. Not a bad idea considering the circumstances, you say? Wrong. Bad idea. ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything in traffic, even if they suck at driving in every possible way, which in all liklihood is something you have witnessed.
See, if I have to drive to one of our farther clinics, I'm driving on average 48 miles each way, and that's 96 miles round trip. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new
car every 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number of cars I pass to something like 36,000.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that I'm driving past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
I think I'll pass on the whole bird-flipping idea.

Zzzzzzzz

I asked God what was in store for me today, like I do every morning. And he said, 'Well, not so much that you couldn't turn off your alarm another five times.' And I said, 'Thank you Lord; that's what I was thinking'.
-Amen

I dunno

Sometimes I just wish life weren't so complicated and I were a dairy cow. Not so much for the leisurely life of nonstop grazing as much as for the daily sessions with a machine massaging my nipples.

If cars were like computers

HelpLine: "General Motors technical support, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places.
My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere."
HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? Is what who?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a
needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle
pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay
the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in."
HelpLine: "I'm going to hang up on you now."

Hockey is more fun than you think

Why don't more people I know like hockey? It's so damn cool and fun to watch. When I was younger I hated watching it cuz I could never keep track of the puck. Then I realized I needed glasses. After fixing that minor setback, I've been a fan ever since. Especially my days at Cornell, hurling esoteric Ivy League insults at the opposing team's goalie from my seats...mostly geared towards his family and loved ones, they ranged from PG to NC-17. "Yo momma's linguistic skills are so bad, she makes Frank Mazzacco look like Winston Churchill!" (just google him, you'll be fine). "Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you suck!" Ahh, the good old days.
On a similar note, I bet the first hockey game was played with an animal turd used as a primitive puck. I also bet someone invented the goalie mask by the end of the first period.

Pets can be more than just for entertainment

Everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. Only then can you gain a true perspective of your significance.

Duct tape works for everything

Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. So great.

I was gonna go skiing but...

I had the opportunity to go up to Mammoth ski resort next month, and I really wanted to do it at first. But then I started thinking about all the money it would cost for a long weekend trip just go bang up my knees and hurt my ass. So I figured I can get the experience here in San Diego. Here's my plan: I'll visit my local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, I'll burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. Then I'll go to the nearest hockey rink (The UTC mall has one inside) and walk across the ice 20 times in my ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. I'll pretend I'm looking for my car. For ski boot simulation at home, I'll put a pebble in my street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around my toes. I'll buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away, then go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger...being sure to wait in the longest line. Then I'll clip a lift ticket to the zipper of my jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate my face. I'll drive slowly for five hours- anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and I'm following an 18 wheeler. I'll get home, fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast my face while dressed up in as many clothes as I can, but then proceed to take them off because I have to pee.
Repeat Saturday and Sunday.

Ya know people think I'm a narcissist because I go to the gym and tanning salon all the time, but won't they be jealous when we're stranded on an isolated mountain top and I'll be considered too leathery-and-tough-meated for eating. Ha!

Hmmmmm

If life gives you a yeast infection, make bread. And if you know someone to whom life has given lemons, you could have a picnic or something. And if you're the one who got the lemons, grind them into a fine juice and drink it. If life gives you pesky little neighbor children...well, you know. But if life gives you pickles, then just give up, cuz pickle-ade is fuckin gross.



-This is what happens to my brain on Friday afternoon at work. I'm going home.

I'm not a violent person

In fact, if at all possible I will avoid a fight like a cliche about some widespread sudden and destructive outbreak of illness. That's essentially why I started a martial art, so that I could intimidate people with my hugeness and mad skills in an effort to not get involved in a physical battle. Unfortunately when in class, I am forced by the master to engage in said battles with people twice my size. This has been the main impetus behind both my ice bag and economy size ibuprofen purchases. But tonight was particularly enjoyable for me, mainly because it boosted my self esteem just a smidgen. I was teamed up with a guy who more or less looked like The Rock. I shat myself briefly, but noticed his white Gi (training uniform), which meant he was new. Maybe I had a chance! Then he told me he was currently a Navy SEAL and taught Wing Chun close-quarter fighting. Ok back to the shit in pants. But then he also said that although his training was extensive, it is meant to be used mostly while standing up, and that once he hits the ground he's not sure what to do. My response was "Howbout you just squeeze their head with your 40 inch biceps?" But then my thoughts went back to maybe having a chance...if I could just get him to the ground before he clobbers me! So it began, we shook hands and started in a standing position facing each other. It took me about 2 seconds to figure out I needed to take him by surprise, so I charged him, ducked my head, hooked his leg and sweeped him to the floor. I think he was expecting to stay standing a bit longer. Once I got him on the ground he basically used brute strength to overpower me for a good 3-4 minutes. The only problem was he didn't know what he was doing, so I just used defensive maneuvers until I could figure out how the hell to handle him. He actually picked me up in order to flip me, got on top of me and put me in a really shitty headlock, which I knew was the end for him! I spun out using this, got my legs around him, grabbed his left arm, and Armbar, done. Granted I had a little help from my master telling me which moves I should use based on my positioning, but shit it worked like charm. I'm finally a firm believer that position and leverage can beat sheer strength. Although kudos to him, cuz although he didn't win, I'm lookin at some decent bruises and a fresh ice pack tonight. All in a days work, I guess.