Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween bitches!

It's that time of year again! Crazy costumes and candy till you puke, woo hoo! Since today is officially Halloween, I'll wait until tomorrow to post all the pics from the last 3 days, including our Halloween spectacular at work this afternoon and my kick-ass costume. Gotta love an organization that completely stops all work at 2pm in order to eat sugary shit and get drunk. I'm sure the pics will be good. In the meantime, I'll tell you that a few of us went to the Balboa Park Haunted Trail on Saturday night. I was gonna hang out with Emily and company, but she prefaced the weekend by telling me she was stealing my costume idea because it was just too perfect, and that we couldnt go the same places on Saturday. I responded by not accepting her calls all weekend, which was probably a mistake, since one of her calls on Saturday turned out to be a message saying she wasn't doing my costume anymore. Guess I should've checked that message earlier. But I say, it shouldn't have even been an option for her. There are plenty of good ideas out there! I wanted to wear nothing but a pair of jeans...no shirt, no shoes or socks, and go as "Premature Ejaculation". So when people ask me how that costume is premature ejaculation, I can say "Because I just came in my pants!". Hehe. But it wouldve taken too much work to explain that to everyone I saw, so I decided against it. The one I went with you'll see pics of soon. So back to the haunted trail...I don't have pics so I'll just give you the quick skinny....CRAZY LONG line to get in, but a damn scary trail for sure. We waited for about 45 minutes just to buy the tickets and get in the line to enter the trail. But those fuckers are smart at Balboa Park. They hide the real line from you so that you don't freak out and leave because it's so long. There was a blacked out fence that blocked the view of the weaving line of 800 people, so when we were in line for tickets we just assumed we'd be in within 10 or 20 minutes.....Two and a half hours later, we were finally admitted to the trail. Just picture one of those lines for the most popular roller-coaster at the amusement park. Luckily we were a clever bunch and amused ourselves quite easily. Darlene taught me how to "double-talk" (it's very hard, next time you talk to me, ask if you wanna learn. I'm still practicing), and I taught her how to "be" talk. It's much easier than double talk...you just insert the word "be" in between every word you say. It be sounds be funny be but be is be harder be than be you be think be to be say be fast! We also played various drinking games, sans the alcohol, but oh well. The trail was worth it, though. The 4 of us locked arms and walked through the whole trail gladiator-style, with everyone looking in a different direction so as to spot the hiding bastards before they could get us. It didn't work. We were all terrified and screamed like little girls. I was even thrown into a wall by Troy, who was so panic-stricken that my safety was no longer an issue...he was doing everything possible to get away from some guy in a freaky black-robed costume (admittedly, he was pretty damn frightening). His efforts to get away included pushing me forward at top speed, slamming me shoulder-first, right into a wall of the enclosure we were walking through. Thanks buddy! Unfortunately cameras were not allowed, so you'll just have to picture the events unfolding. Maybe I'll show you the stains on my jacket from the wall.
The rest of the weekend will be up soon. I'm gonna go put my shoulder back into its socket...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Hmmmm

I've had to replace the bamboo plant on my desk at work twice because someone keeps stealing it. I don't know for sure who the thief is, but I'm keeping my eye on that panda in Accounts Payable.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Trip back home to NY

So I went back home to NY last month, but haven't had the chance to put any pics up cuz of my computer crashing on me. I finally got it back, but decided to sell it on ebay cuz I'm sick of dealing with the douchefucks at IBM. So this is my last weekend with this laptop, so I'm posting whatever pics I can without wasting 4 hours doing it. I've posted everything except for our day trip to the NY State Fair, which I'll get up eventually, cuz it's truly a fun time, as well as a fascinating social experiment....more mulletts and body fat than should ever be allowed on one Earth. But that'll come later. First up is my aunt and uncle's lake house on Cazenovia Lake, then golf with the bro and dad. Enjoy for now.

Awwww, Jessie, my aunt and uncle's golden retreiver.
The slip at the end of the backyard

Yeah bitches. Chillin on the boat, pre- ass kicking tubing ride.

My uncle got a speedboat for some fun times on the lake...and those fun times apparently include dragging my screaming ass all over the lake at top speeds. Well, not top speeds for the boat, but top speeds for the tube, in the sense that if we went any faster, a fall off the tube would mean certain death. Fun as hell, but pretty rough on the anus.

Exhausted after getting thrown around the lake, hanging on for dear life.
The worlds first Chinese Golden Retreiver.
Sam, me, Elena and Luke. Boy they're growin up. I feel olllld.
The fam at the lake house. Jesse obviously needs lessons in picture posing.

The next day of my trip home, Stefan and I met up with pops (sorry dad, I wont call you that again) for a nice round of golf. I thought I'd start by showing you where my tee shot landed on this hole (see the ball on the green?) versus where Stefan and dad landed (see the tiny specs of people off in the distance?). Dad and I wound up shooting an 88, Stefan somewhere in the low-mid 90's. Boo ya!
Not a much better way to spend a sunny NY day.
Now that's the look of a golfer...with a driver the size of his head.

Niiiice form champ. Look at that left arm, left leg, and the head straight down. That one's going straight.
Not bad form...but keep that left elbow straight.

The trio...you'd almost never know by the picture that Stefan was the only one who didn't shoot in the 80's, mwa ha ha!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The pooter is fixed

So my laptop is officially back from IBM and up and running. I now have oodles of pictures that I'm intending on putting up on the blog, but I'm not sure when I'm going to get to it. This weekend looks like it has a good chance. But then again, it's my last chance for a while since I've decided to sell the laptop. It's been more trouble than useful, and I just can't imagine having to ever deal with IBM again. So it's off to good 'ol ebay. But it's still worth more than your average brand new Dell, so I'll probably pick up a new one at some point with the profits from the sale. After all, I've already realized that I can't live without a computer. Or at least I can't check my fantasy football league. Not that it matters cuz my team sucks this year and I'm pretty much out of the race, but oh well. Check back for pics soon.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

A religious lesson from your local spiritual advisor...

Don't bother playing rock-paper-scissors with God, since his omniscience gives him quite an edge. Besides, on the off-chance you sneak one past him, he'll come out throwing some shit like "Love, which conquers all." What are you gonna do, protest and tell God to quit being cheesy? And on a similar note, when facing moral dilemmas, you know how people always ask, "WWJD?" Well I've decided that I prefer to ask WWGTM?-- "Where will Google take me?" It's quite uncanny how it works every single time, as it's always porn sites.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

ARRGH

Apple has a new iPod: Stop introducing a new iPod every month! There's the original, the Mini, the Shuffle, the new original, and the Nano. It's so slim Kate Moss uses it to cut her cocaine. The next one will be so advanced that when you play R Kelly, it'll feel like he's peeing right on you.

Gillette has a new razor: 5 blades! Are you kidding?! If your razor has five blades, it's not a razor, it's a weed-whacker. With Gillette's new 5-blade Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble; the second severs the hair follicle; the third slices your skin; the fourth scrapes bone marrow; and the fifth was used by O.J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back.

George Bush has a new Supreme Court Nominee: George Bush must meet some new people. You know, when Americans see their president giving every job to the same old cronies, they use words like "loyal to a fault" and "stubborn" and "close-minded," "lives in a bubble," "sock-puppet," "asshole." "Worst president ever." But they're missing the point. The problem isn't his political philosophy -( "kill people and animals and take their gas") - the problem is he has to expand his circle of friends beyond his mom, Karen Hughes and the House of Saud. Which is why before George Bush makes another political appointment, he has to join Friendster.
This week, President Bush had to nominate a Supreme Court judge, and he picked the most qualified person within 30 feet of his office. Her qualifications: well, she is a lawyer and former commissioner of the Texas State Lottery. And she's seen every episode of "Judging Amy." Abortion, affirmative action, separation of church and state. Yeah, let's ask the lady who peddled scratch tickets to liquor stores.
Does he just go with the first person he sees? I wouldn't be surprised if Laura was his sister. Now, of course - I keep checking with him - of course, George Bush isn't the first politician to hand out graft gigs to his pals, but he doesn't seem to understand that that's what the bullshit jobs are for: ambassador to the Bahamas. The Recycling Czar. Head of the CIA. But George Bush puts stooges where they can do real damage: Director of FEMA? That guy from the horsie show is available. U.N. Ambassador? Dick Cheney knows a guy with a mustache and anger issues. Supreme Court justice? Lady down the hall. Labor Secretary? The guy who helped me move that hooker's body at Yale could probably do it.
You know, Mr. President, when you got elected, we all figured you were no genius, but smart enough to hire qualified people. But it turns out you're just a dimwit who enjoys feeling superior. And the only way to accomplish that is to surround yourself with the likes of Mike Brown and Harriet Miers: Goober and Aunt Bea. Unspectacular souls who make you feel comfortable and unthreatened. Kind of like when Madonna used to hang out with Rosie O'Donnell. Well, I hate to burst your bubble. But real friends are the ones who tell you the truth. They're also the ones who work hard so as not to embarrass you. These people who work for you aren't behaving like friends. They're behaving far worse. They're behaving...like family. Yes, it's almost enough to make you miss the old pre-"honor and integrity" days. Because at least when Clinton talked about tapping the woman down the hall, he was just having sex with her.

Monday, October 17, 2005

I wanna be a superhero

Now that I'm older, if I got to choose what superhero I'd want to be, it would probably be "Sleep All Night Man". Or maybe "Huge Bladder Man", which would probably be just like "Sleep All Night Man" except with a drier cape.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Some advice as I sit here...

Some tidbits of info for people that annoy me.

1) iPOD OWNERS: iPods are overrated. I have a Creative Zen Muvo that cost me $100 and it's awesome. It has an FM tuner, which you can record radio with, a great digital display, and weighs like 2 ounces. Don't waste money on expensive iPods. Either get something cheaper that you know wont be wasted money...or better yet, simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

2) RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

3) PARANOID PEOPLE: Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid havingyour identity stolen. Simply place some dog shit in the garbage bags along with your old bank statements.

4) MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply package it up and mail it to yourself via IBM customer service or DHL. Either way, you will never see it again.

5) McDONALD'S: Make your take out bags green in color so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Awww, my people rock!

My staff at work are so great, they had a little party for me today because it's Boss's Day this weekend (apparently it falls on the same date every year, but this year it happens to be on a Sunday) They made me cupcakes, gave me chocolates and a card, and each wrote me a specialized short song and sang it for me with the accompanyment of the other staff members. It was hilarious. They printed out the lyrics to read off of cuz they couldnt memorize them, so I have them with me and will transcribe them for you below. They're a clever bunch. I wish I had it on video.

Song #1, Winfield's Rap - a few inside jokes in this one but that's ok:
Happy Happy Boss's Day from all of us to you,
If you get in with Nancy, then we can have some brews.
You make work fun with all your funny jokes,
But it's not fun sneaking in for Diet Cokes.
We all wish you a happy Boss's Day,
If Lil' Jon were here, he'd agree and say OKAAAY!

Song #2, Summer's Barber Shop song:
You watch a lot of tv, you love Amazing Race,
You're cool and funny, not like that boss from Office Space!
Your riddles are a delight, hey this poem is out of sight!
Oops let me get on track, our boss is not wack!
You like watching football, your dad has a good kick,
For Boss's Day we have only one wish, we hope you win your next Football Picks.

Song #3: Bryanna's Ode to Adam:

Adam, Oh Adam, This is a rhyme for Boss's Day,
Adam, Oh Adam, You have great staff, wouldn't you say?
Adam, Oh Adam, I have mad rap skills and this is just a peek,
Adam, Oh Adam, Please don't judge this for my review next week =)
Adam, Oh Adam, You are the son of a kicker,
Adam, Oh Adam, No one can snap their fingers quicker!
Adam, Oh Adam, Your car is very fast and red,
Adam, Oh Adam, For you I will still sport my mo-hawked head.
Adam, Oh Adam, We share interest in our dear friend Billy,
Adam, Oh Adam, The best times at work are when we are silly.
Adam, Oh Adam, Thanks for being great,
Adam, Oh Adam, In this celebration we all will participate!


Hehe, awww gosh, gee. Thanks guys. You're the best!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

See ya later, fat ass.

So for those of you not familiar with my recent change in eating and exercise habits, I've been on the Body for Life program for about 12 weeks now. I would highly recommend it, as I've lost about 20 pounds of unsightly fat thus far, replacing it with a much more highly desirable muscle type substance. I don't know if I necessarily needed to overhaul my fitness level in this manner, but I think I was sick of the days of struggling between knowing I needed to lose a few pounds and wanting to know just how many marshmallow Peeps I could cram in my mouth at once. But by no means now am I a ripped God of Thunder...yet...but I'm in much better shape than I ever have been, in this lifetime at least. For those on my Italian side of my family, they would say I'm dying or starving, etc. but then again this is from a heritage that would eat pasta, meatballs and Italian bread everyday if at all possible. I know longer fit into any of the clothes I own, and I've recently had to go on a bank-busting shopping spree in order to be able to leave the house in anything more than socks. My recent trip to American Eagle netted me 2 pairs of jeans, 29" and 30" waists...4 sizes smaller than anything I've ever been in. But I digress. My point here is that in the last few months I've become much more aware of food labels, and I think we need labels that are more specific, but in an easy-to-comprehend sort of way. The average American idiot needs to be able to understand what they're eating, so I vote for the following system: Food will from this point on be labeled 'no fat', 'low fat', 'reduced fat', and 'fat, but great personality'. This way, you always know what you're getting. Much more like real life if you ask me. Once I'm back in picture-uploading mode (a.k.a I get my laptop back or a friend lets me load a hundred pictures on their computer) I'll post lots of good stuff from the last month or so. I'd also put up some before and after pics of me, but unfortunately my laptop died shortly after my before-pictures were loaded on it, so I no longer have them. I'll look for some old pics in the meantime.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Football legend or Foot legend?

I decided to shave my beard, lest I'm mistaken for a Taliban. Then I realized I don't have a beard, so I shaved my legs instead. It all worked out for the best, though, because I discovered I look really fabulous in fishnet stockings with a black garter belt.
On a lighter note, I must profess my sheer disappointment in the Chargers last night. Well before the end of the game, I predicted a Charger comeback, a touchdown, missed 2-pt conversion, and a Pittsburgh drive to kick a winning field goal with no time left. Call me the Kreskin of Monday Night Football. Although I don't think the guys appreciated my negative prediction, as accurate as it was. But come on! When you have to settle for 3 field goals from the red zone when you have LT and Antonio Gates, I have no sympathy.
And by the way, thanks to Jason's 37 inch LCD tv in High Def, I officially am scared to death of John Madden's face. Some things are just better in shitty resolution. Although if you ask Troy, who in his omnipresent gayness referred to Al Michaels and "Steve Madden", he probably wasn't paying attention either way.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Hmmmm

Those guys at Disneyland who have to wear character costumes ought to form a union. I'm not really all that concerned about their working conditions-- I just think the picket line would be a hoot.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Kids are great

I think that when I have kids, rather than give my children names, each morning I'll assign them different numbers that represent how much I love them relative to their brothers and sisters that day. Kids love number games.

Monday, October 03, 2005

IBM can blow my ass

Dont ever buy anything from IBM. Their customer support sucks so much it will sap your will to live. So after almost a month of bullshitting around with the douchebag idiots at IBM (Do I sound bitter?), my computer is officially unfixable and now has to be sent back to IBM headquarters for a complete overhaul. The morons at customer support kept giving me the wrong shit and the wrong info, and time after time their suggestions did not work. Last night I called to have the guy walk me through every step of the recovery process with the correct cd's that I finally got in the mail after 3 weeks. I tried it myself, but the computer would never prompt me for the cd's, it would just do all this random shit on its own and then give me an error. I actually made the guy walk me through every step, at which point he'd say something like "Ok you're good to go, just wait for the prompt to put in the first recovery cd, then..." where I would immediately interrupt him. "No, fool. It doesn't ever prompt me, that's the problem!"..."Well, that's not possible sir, if you let me finish, it will always ask you.." "NO, IT DOESN'T YOU MINDLESS CUSTOMER SERVICE AUTOMATON. Now that I have your attention, I'm going to tell you blow by blow what it does."
And so I proceeded to make him stay on the line with me for 45 minutes, where every 7 or 8 minutes he would tell me he had to go and couldn't stay on the phone with me this long. This is the point where I threatened him that I would physically fly out to Altanta where he was and find him in his little cubby, pry his eyes open like a Clockwork Orange, and make him watch the computer NOT prompt me for any cd's. Eventually I got him to stay with me long enough to explain to him what was happening as it happened. "Oh, hmmm, that's weird" was his reaction. No fuckin shit, assmunch. At this point, he had me try 12 different things, all of which I had tried before, but nevertheless went though again just to prove to him he sucked. Eventually he said I needed to send the computer back to them for them to restore and fix in the factory, and wait up to four weeks for it. They claim it usually takes about that long, maybe longer, which suggests that their technical repairmen are living in Fiji, and have strapped the laptop to a migrating sea turtle and hope it's spotted as it passes by.
So after 27 days of hell, about 14 hours on hold, and no working, computer, I'm sending the laptop back to IBM for fixing. Hopefully I'll get it back by 2009, at which point I will finally post some more pictures on my blog, most likely of my withered and tattered body, degraded from the years of IBM stress and internet withdrawal. Until then, I'll be online only at work, where I can't even check my damn fantasy football league because the internet filter blocks it out. Fuckadoodledoo. Random thoughts of sympathy, empathy, or understanding would be appreciated.
On the bright side, I had a great weekend and met some very cool people. Went to an Asian film festival on Friday night, which was hosted by none other than Michael Chen of Channel 10 News! Michael Chen always seems very serious, with an "impending-doom" look on his face when he does his roving reports on the nightly news. Always in a suit, and always professional. Well not after hours! Michael Chen is gayer than a hatbox full of Speedos. And not as tall as I would've thought. They always look better on tv....Anyway, the films were good, and the drinks afterward even better. On Saturday, Jason (a guy I met while working on the porn set) invited me to a birthday party of his friend Troy, so I went and met a bunch of fun people and had another night of good times. Sunday was a very lazy day, and with the exception of meeting Emily and the gang at Bourbon St. to see Ashley Matte (ahhh, Ashley, you're so wonderful...) it was a pretty lazy day of football, grocery shopping, and naps. Overall a very good weekend. If only I had gotten some action.....