Form 22C

Questioning Authority


'Question Authority.'

We've all seen the bumper stickers containing this famous phrase. And if you're like me, you're no doubt in awe of an intellect that could conceive of affixing such an object to the rear of an automobile.

That said, however, the phrase 'Question Authority' does raise certain compelling issues. For example, where does one go to question authority? Whom does one talk to? More to the point, just what question (or questions) is one supposed to ask, anyway?

To assist those who wish to question authority but aren't sure what to do, your humble intelligence officer, I have created a form that provides all the information you'll need. The following document, Form 22C: Questioning Authority, contains all necessary and applicable instructions for questioning authority.

... Or at least I think it does. If you don't agree that Form 22C contains everything you need to properly question authority, then it is suggested you fill out and submit a Form 22C detailing your particular question. Thank you.

Form 22C:
Questioning Authority

Instructions ________________________________________________________________

This form is provided, pursuant to Title CC Subsection 007 of the Federal Office of Authority, to persons wishing to question authority. The information collected in this form is used to determine the meaning and validity of your question(s) for authority. Follow the instructions provided in the form and answer all relevant questions. If you believe a question to be irrelevant, answer it anyway. If you are unsure whether a question is relevant, you may submit a separate Form 22C. If you have questions or complaints regarding this Form 22C, you may fill out an additional Form 22C and attach it to this form, or to the Form 22C you are submitting regarding the relevancy of a question in this Form 22C. Submit one Form 22C for each question you wish to ask authority. Note: Do NOT submit multiple Form 22C’s in the same envelope.

Answer the questions below carefully. Warning - a false or truthful statement on any part of this form may be grounds for criminal prosecution (Title CC Subsection 007).


Section 1. Questioning Authority ________________________________________________________________

Reasons for Questioning Authority

Depending on your reasons for filling out this form, it may or may not be appropriate for you to fill out this form. Please answer the questions below in order to determine whether you actually have a need to question authority.

Please check only one of the following.

I am questioning authority because:

A. [ ] I wish to contest the right of those in authority to make decisions and dictate policies that affect my life and/or the lives of others

B. [ ] I wish to know who’s in authority

C. [ ] I wish to be told by those in authority what it is I’m supposed to do

D. [ ] I do not wish to question authority

If you checked ‘D’, you do not need to proceed further.

If you checked ‘C’, please proceed to Section 2, Question F. You will be contacted shortly.

If you checked ‘B’, you do not need to proceed further.

If you checked A. Please proceed to Sections 2, 3, 4 and 6, and answer all questions completely. You will be contacted within the next few nanoseconds.


Privacy Act Statement ________________________________________________________________

The Federal Office of Authority is authorized to collect the information requested below in accordance with Title CC Subsection 007. If you have questions regarding the authority of the Federal Office of Authority to collect this information, please fill out Form 22C.

Public Burden Statement ________________________________________________________________

Public burden reporting for this document is estimated to vary from 0 to infinitely many minutes with an average of 15 minutes per response, including time for reviewing instructions, searching and gathering needed data, and being strip searched. Send comments regarding the burden estimate or any other aspect of this document, including suggestions for reducing the burden, to the Federal Office of Authority. Use Form 22C: Questioning Authority.


Section 2. General Information ________________________________________________________________

Before you question authority, authority has a few questions for you:

A. Full Name (First, middle, last)

B. Social Security Number (List all Social Security Numbers you currently use. Attach extra sheets of paper if necessary.)

C. Date Of Birth (MM/DD/YYYY. Provide all dates of your birth - past, present and future)

D. Place Of Birth (Include city, state, and city/state of mind)

E. Preferred Place Of Burial Or Cremation (Only for persons checking ‘A’ in Section 1 above.)

F. Phone Numbers At Which You Can Be Reached (Include area codes, not that we don't already know them)

G. What Is Your Precise Location Right Now? (Only for persons checking ‘A’ in Section 1 above. Not that we don't already know it.)


Section 3. Questions About Your Question For Authority

________________________________________________________________

Please answer all questions truthfully.

a. Do you like causing trouble? [ ] YES [ ] NO

b. Do you have a criminal record? Are you sure? Have you checked since you started filling out this form? [ ] YES [ ] NO

c. Do you have an aversion to deep, searing pain? [ ] YES [ ] NO

d. Have you ever seen the film Marathon Man? [ ] YES [ ] NO

e. Have you ever seen people in nursing homes? Did you know that some of those people are the same age as you? [ ] YES [ ] NO


Section 4. Additional Questions

________________________________________________________________

a. What’s the most awful, terrifying thing you can imagine happening to you?

b. Why do you fantasize about young children?

c. Are you sure you don’t want to crumple up this form and throw it away right now, while there’s still time? [ ] YES [ ] NO


Section 5. Your question for authority_(Write in the space provided to the left. If you need additional space, please submit a separate Form 22C.)


Section 6. CERTIFICATION

I certify that, to the best of my knowledge and belief, all information on and attached to this Form 22C is true, correct, complete, and made in good faith. I understand that a false or truthful answer to any question on any part of this declaration or its attachments may be grounds for penalties, up to and including full time employment administering Form 22C. I further understand and acknowledge that, whatever statements I may have made to the contrary in the past, authority is good, and I was just kidding. I do not really believe what I have written in this form, if what I have written in this form could reasonably be construed as criticizing authority and/or those in authority.

Applicant's Signature: ______________________________________

(Office Use Only: Please note confirmation of tracking device placed on submitter of this Form 22C.)




Question This.

Internet Recovery process

I think we're all a bit too dependent on the internet. The first thing I think of when I see a computer is "Boy I haven't checked my e-mail in (insert very short time frame here). I should really catch up." Or today, for instance, it was 78 degrees and sunny, and while I was sitting in my apt with the sliding glass door open to a wonderful breeze, I was doing so while chatting on AIM. My conversation with a friend actually went something like this:
Me: "Damn it's so nice outside, we really should go do something outdoors and fun." Friend: "Agreed. Yet here we are chatting on our computers."
Shit. Luckily my desire for outdoor action, fun and sun was enough to get me off my ass and out to enjoy what was ultimately a really fun afternoon at the beach. (Sidebar- people watching at Mission Beach is some of the best free entertainment you can provide yourself)
But I think we all need to take some steps to return to simple life, one free of the shackles of e-mail, porn, and of course, this.
So here's my plan:
I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. I will get dressed before noon on Saturday. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet. I will read a book... if I still remember how. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. And since it is currently 12:32AM on a work night, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime...and the Internet will always be there tomorrow.

I challenge you all to apply some of these to your lives! If you're successful, please let me know how you did it, cuz I'm bound to fail miserably. Gnite.

It would be kind of neat if elevators were called "mustards" instead. That way if I were running to catch it, I could yell out: "Can you please hold the mustard?" It would be a funny, yet awkward moment, especially if there were actually a guy making sandwiches IN the elevator. In that case, though, I'd ask for EXTRA mustard, since I really do love mustard! But that would probably just confuse EVERYONE, so I guess I'll just stick to taking the stairs.

It's decided

I've finally come to the conclusion that I don't like bumper stickers. Well, granted there are a few that tickle me here and there...for instance, I was behind a woman the other day with one that said "If you're gonna ride my ass at least pull my hair." That had me laughing for a bit down the road, but then I thought to myself that I would never put one on my car. Most of them are really annoying, ugly, and self-important. It's nice to have viewpoints on things, but honestly, nobody gives a shit, and if we do it's probably because we're amazed that Darwinism hasn't eliminated you yet from existence. When I see one I agree with, I just go "eh, yeah that's about right", or else I don't agree and it's "wow what a douchecock that guy is, if I was a douchecock too I'd probably slash his tires just for knowing that he really thinks you should "Buy a gun to support the constitution", or that God blesses our troops, is his co-pilot, or made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. Although the Ford F150 with "Vaginalicious" on the back gave me pause as to what the sex was of the driver, I thought that either way it was hilarious.
But when I see these punk-asses in a $3,000 Ford Escort with $5,000 rims with shittily tinted windows that are bubbling up already because they bought the tint at the automotive section of Walmart and tried to put it on themselves in the driveway of their parents' house before going to work at, well, probably Walmart, I just laugh. They're the ones that have those rebellious stickers all over their cars like "No Fear" and "Born To Raise Hell". Come on people. Really? No Fear of what? Living in Mom's basement until age 37?
This morning I saw a particuarly ugly car and just decided to blast my horn and bump it at stoplights until the kid finally gave up and swerved to the side of the road. Guess you're not so tough after all, are you, Ms. "Student Driver"?

So if getting there is half the fun, and a picture is worth a thousand words, is a picture of getting there worth 500 fun words?

Happy VD

Laws of life

A pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and
just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Insurance covers everything except what happens.

As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing,
you'll want to be doing something else.

Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food
that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market
is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave
work early, you will meet the VP in the parking lot.

Oh no, I gotta forward this!

Repeat after me:

1. I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing
lists if I don't forward an e-mail.

2. I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward
an e-mail.

3. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money and Victoria Secret
doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed
to send me.

4. Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-
mail to more than 50 people.

5. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies
from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I
send an e-mail to 10 people.

6. I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e- mail.

7. There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am
not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for
forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people.

8. There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 years old. He
is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE GET-WELL-CARDS.

9. The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B
(or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will
enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful
flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately
after I forward an e-mail.

12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending
things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I
believe the bushes in my yard will burn before he picks up a PC
to pass it on.

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and
send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full
moon or you will surely be constipated for the next three months
and all of your hair will fall out.

I'm here to help

Valentine's Day is just around the corner. I'll be sending out a special message next week, with all sorts of VD-related news and helpful links.

Ring tone freakshows

Now I was never a big fan of those ridiculously loud, obnoxious, 5 minute ring tones with songs and screaming frogs or whatever the fuck...I've always had the basic "ring ring" on my cell phone, mostly out of respect for others. I've only found one ring since the inception of ring tones that I think is funny enough, and just barely not annoying enough, to force others to hear when I get a call. But even then I've been considering switching back to the basics. Now I get the defense that personalized ring tones will allow you to know that it's in fact your phone that is ringing, as opposed to the 40 phones in pockets all around you, so I've come up with a solution. As soon as I can convince someone to offer it (if it's not out there somewhere already), I'm going to have my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, but they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

Dont ever move to LA if you own a car

Good lord, I'm in Santa Monica right now for work, which if I didn't ever leave my hotel area would be awesome. I'm right near the ocean, the pier, and the famed "3rd Street Promenade". I can walk to wherever I want. But I decided tonight to go visit a friend of mine from Cornell that I haven't seen in quite a while. He's in law school at UCLA, so I drove over to the campus where he lives. According to Mapquest, it was 6.1 miles from my hotel to his apartment, door to door. Left my hotel, got in my car, and 42 fucking minutes later I arrived at UCLA. Are you serious!? 42 minutes to go 6 miles? Let me repeat that for you just so I can be sure you're taking the journey with me...42 minutes to go 6 miles. Well smack my ass, repeatedly call me Santa and stick a leash on me (safety word is banana), cuz that's just fucking insane. LA is cool I suppose, but I officially could never live here simply because of the traffic.
p.s. I'd take pictures but I dropped my camera a while back and it broke. If anyone wants to buy me one it'd be a great early St. Patrick's Day present. If you want to know what it looks like here, picture thousands of cars on the highway, sitting perfectly still.

Trust me, I've got it all figured out

In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: Magic and bullshit.

Lay off California. You're just jealous.

The following is because I've just about had enough of the little jabs about crazy California...there's reason I moved here:
The rest of America has been having quite a laugh at California’s expense lately. But let’s remember this: California has a lot of people. And the reason it does is lots of other people in other states saying, “Fuck this, I’m outta here.”
And then those people come here to California, and people ask them, “Don’t you miss the winters?” No, strangely enough, I don’t. Much the same way I don’t miss slamming a car door on my hands.
Make fun of California, but if it weren’t for California, East Coast rappers would have to shoot musicians from Branson.
If it weren’t for California, there’d be almost no TV, and you’d have to come home at night and actually talk to your family.
The rest of America feels about California the way the rest of the world feels about America. They hate us because we do what we want. They think we’re too blessed and too free, and it makes them nuts in the dreary hovels of Kabul and Tikrit and Lubbock, Texas.
They pray to their threadbare gods that we’ll get what we deserve. But it won’t happen. Because you never know what we’re going to do here next. We elected Ronald Reagan and Jerry Brown.
We’re home to Disney, Hustler, the Partridge Family and the Manson Family. We can drink a Mudslide and a Sex on the Beach during an actual mudslide while having sex on the beach.
Our farms feed the world, and Calista Flockhart lives here.
We have bears and great white sharks. And even our washed-up actors are allowed to kill one blonde chick.
We invented surfing and cyber-porn and LSD and the boob job. And if we didn’t, we would have.
We have oranges...free oranges, everywhere. What grows on the trees in Scranton, fucker?!
We have a real hockey team named after a hockey team in a movie!
Our Indian casinos could kick your Indian casinos’ ass.
We give our illegal aliens driver’s licenses, and we have a governor who digs group sex.
Would anywhere else in America trade places with us? In a piss-soaked New York minute, you bet they would. Because I don’t recall anyone ever writing a song called “I Wish They All Could Be Rhode Island Girls”
So suck it!