I was gonna go skiing but...

I had the opportunity to go up to Mammoth ski resort next month, and I really wanted to do it at first. But then I started thinking about all the money it would cost for a long weekend trip just go bang up my knees and hurt my ass. So I figured I can get the experience here in San Diego. Here's my plan: I'll visit my local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, I'll burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. Then I'll go to the nearest hockey rink (The UTC mall has one inside) and walk across the ice 20 times in my ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. I'll pretend I'm looking for my car. For ski boot simulation at home, I'll put a pebble in my street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around my toes. I'll buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away, then go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger...being sure to wait in the longest line. Then I'll clip a lift ticket to the zipper of my jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate my face. I'll drive slowly for five hours- anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and I'm following an 18 wheeler. I'll get home, fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast my face while dressed up in as many clothes as I can, but then proceed to take them off because I have to pee.
Repeat Saturday and Sunday.