A conversation between the people who hid in my closet every night when I was seven

freddy krueger: When do you guys want to kill him?

murderer from the six o’clock news: How about right now?

dead uncle whose body i saw at an open casket funeral: I say we do it when he gets up to pee. You know, when he’s walking down the hallway, in the dark.

freddy krueger: What if he doesn’t get up?

murderer: He’ll get up. Look at how he’s squirming. It’s only a matter of time.

dead uncle: Man, I cannot wait to kill this kid.

murderer: Same here.

freddy krueger: I’ve wanted to kill him ever since he saw my movie.

dead uncle: Hey, do you guys remember that night-light Simon used to have?

murderer: Man, that thing scared the heck out of me.

freddy krueger: It’s a good thing his mom got rid of it. Now there’s nothing to stop us from killing him. (Everyone nods in agreement.)

dr. murphy: Hey, guys, sorry I’m late. I was busy scheduling an appointment with Simon, to give him shots. freddy krueger: No problem.

(Freddy Krueger and Dr. Murphy do their secret handshake.)

murderer: It’s getting kind of crowded in here. Chucky, can you move over?

chucky: I’m over as far as I can get.

murderer: I need more space than you’re giving me. I’m a lot bigger than you.

chucky: Are you calling me short?

dr. murphy: Hey, guys, relax, all right? We’re all here for the same reason: to kill and possibly eat Simon.

murderer: (Sighs.) You’re right. I’m sorry.

chucky: Yeah . . . me too. I kind of lost perspective.

dr. murphy: It’s okay. Just remember: we’re all in this together.

dead uncle: Hey, it looks like he’s getting up! Wait a minute . . . where’s he going?

chucky: I think he’s running into his mom’s room!

dead uncle: Maybe we should follow him?

chucky: Are you insane? I’m not facing that kid’s mother. That woman is terrifying!

murderer: Seriously, there is no way I’m going in there.

freddy krueger: (Sighs.) I guess tonight’s a bust. Let’s try tomorrow, okay? Same time, same place.

My new board game

Here are the rules to my new game...break them, and you are killed during the game:


1. Game is played by 1 to 248 players, none of whom can be left-handed or have a latex allergy.

2. When your turn starts, turn over the timer. Once the sand runs out, your turn is up and you must drink the contents of the timer. Refill as needed.

3. Just to be safe, shout "Jumanji!" at every turn. Not to avoid being hunted or stampeded by wild animals, but to avoid spending absolutely any time with Robin Williams.

4. If on any given turn you roll a seven, you have received a misshapen die and should exchange it immediately.

5. Wondering where you begin as you look at that big, blank gameboard? You laid it out the wrong way. Flip it over.

6. One player will be designated "Admiral." When it is the Admiral's turn, he or she must press the big, red button at the center of the board. If the board shouts "LINDA RONSTADT!" everyone has to run outside and start eating grass.

7. You may wonder when the "biting stick" comes into play. When you get to the bonus round, believe me, you'll know.

8. The baby kangaroo with a laser cannon strapped to his back will stay in the corner for the duration of the game. Just follow the rules and you don't need to be concerned with him.

9. Ugly people get 10 points deducted on every turn.

10. Stop playing this game and play with your daughter. For crying out loud, show her she has a father who loves her.

11. See how many monkeys you can pull out of that barrel at one time. Now dispose of them. What were you doing with all those rotting monkey corpses anyway?

12. To avoid the conflict one usually faces while playing Monopoly, game pieces will be distributed by height. The tallest player gets the bust of Ted Turner, the second tallest player gets the second largest bust of Ted Turner, and so on.

13. If playing underwater version, remember to obtain an extra large oxygen tank for the horse.

14. If playing on a commercial flight, it may be best to skip the round where every player is required to shout "Take me to Newark or everybody dies!"

15. To avoid giving any player an unfair advantage, no commissioned naval officers will be allowed to play during the "Maritime Law" round.

16. Typical game lasts between 3 and 7 years. Make sure to free up your schedule and put someone responsible in charge of the waste bucket.

17. Points are earned by answering questions asked by the "Mystic Cube." If the Mystic Cube starts insulting your mother, just try to ignore it and skip your turn.

18. Players younger than seven can play, but they are responsible for their own safety if they pull the card that reads "Mongoose stomping."

Couldnt resist

Just had to post this