Weekend is for food

I've decided that a certain number a principles apply when it comes to eating food, particularly enjoyable food that you shouldn't be eating. Normally I try to refrain from eating "shittily" until the weekend, where upon the shitting eating takes a life of itself, depending on where I am and what I'm doing. Therefore, for your education, I will tell you under exactly what circumstances you may eat like a pig, versus keep your hands off the chocolate covered fudge dipped deep fried peanut butter infused oreos. Damn that sounds awesome.

RULE #1: If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

RULE #2: If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

RULE #3: When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

RULE #4: Food used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and anything from Extraordinary Desserts (for all you San Diego lard asses who know what that mecca is)

RULE #5: Movie related foods, such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls, do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

RULE #6: Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

RULE #7: Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Example: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich, and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

RULE #8: Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, and mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

And that's all you need to know to live a healthy life just like me. Enjoy!

Why I'm busy as hell

In case some of you were wondering just what's going on with my work to cause me 10 and 12 hour days, including Saturdays, I thought I'd clue you in on the company I'm working with to implement their million dollar product across our 19 locations and 500 employees. Most of you won't give a rats ass, but here's the link to their site.

http://www.nextgen.com/

What the hell kind of spam am I getting?

Does anyone else get ridiculous spam e-mails with the most random and retarded subject lines? I get them all the time, but luckily only one or two a day...and my Yahoo filters them right into the bulk mail folder. But lately I've made a habit of checking this folder for the sheer entertaining value of their titles. So here is a list I compiled of some of the subject lines of my spam in the last few weeks.

"morning apartheid"...personally, I find doing it in the evening more fun.

"sphincter tannenbaum"...is it a royal sphincter?

"hull"

"are you have sweathart?"...mmm, a sweaty hart.

"phobic"

"re: {10}"...I'm not sure I ever wrote anyone an e-mail with the subject "{10}", let alone expected a response.

"Re: How have you been?"...well, perhaps I couldve written this one, but I didnt.

"Sound barrier presume"...I presume nothing of the sound barrier. I wouldn't dare.

"Sonnet Cordiality"...aww, that's sweet.
"Farthest Striped"...no clue
"bludgeon jump rope"...hmm, I might pay to see that.
"abysmally inward"...wow, that's really inward!
"historic bitter"...William Allen?
"with nobom"...I prefer without.
"Asiaan angels faacked wagonn length"...don't even know where to go with this one.
"encompass sand dune"...that sounds kinda scary.
"seething historically"...more anger about the past? Jeez.
"amelioration soothing"...maybe they can give this to the seethingly bitter historian.
"condesention stepfather"...I hate it when my stepdad sweats on the outside of my Coke.
"pinstripe parachute"...well naturally you want to look good for the skydive.

"incredible vociferous"...that's really loud.
"red wine tonsil"...Hmm, is this red-wine, tonsils? or red, wine-tonsils?
"bearded two-dimensional"...There's no depth to my facial hair, either.

One day this blog will be useful!

Etch-A-Sketch Users Manual

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over
the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.