Weekend is for food

I've decided that a certain number a principles apply when it comes to eating food, particularly enjoyable food that you shouldn't be eating. Normally I try to refrain from eating "shittily" until the weekend, where upon the shitting eating takes a life of itself, depending on where I am and what I'm doing. Therefore, for your education, I will tell you under exactly what circumstances you may eat like a pig, versus keep your hands off the chocolate covered fudge dipped deep fried peanut butter infused oreos. Damn that sounds awesome.

RULE #1: If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

RULE #2: If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

RULE #3: When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

RULE #4: Food used for medicinal purposes never count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and anything from Extraordinary Desserts (for all you San Diego lard asses who know what that mecca is)

RULE #5: Movie related foods, such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls, do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

RULE #6: Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

RULE #7: Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Example: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich, and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

RULE #8: Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, and mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

And that's all you need to know to live a healthy life just like me. Enjoy!