Thursday, September 18, 2008

My new board game

Here are the rules to my new game...break them, and you are killed during the game:


1. Game is played by 1 to 248 players, none of whom can be left-handed or have a latex allergy.

2. When your turn starts, turn over the timer. Once the sand runs out, your turn is up and you must drink the contents of the timer. Refill as needed.

3. Just to be safe, shout "Jumanji!" at every turn. Not to avoid being hunted or stampeded by wild animals, but to avoid spending absolutely any time with Robin Williams.

4. If on any given turn you roll a seven, you have received a misshapen die and should exchange it immediately.

5. Wondering where you begin as you look at that big, blank gameboard? You laid it out the wrong way. Flip it over.

6. One player will be designated "Admiral." When it is the Admiral's turn, he or she must press the big, red button at the center of the board. If the board shouts "LINDA RONSTADT!" everyone has to run outside and start eating grass.

7. You may wonder when the "biting stick" comes into play. When you get to the bonus round, believe me, you'll know.

8. The baby kangaroo with a laser cannon strapped to his back will stay in the corner for the duration of the game. Just follow the rules and you don't need to be concerned with him.

9. Ugly people get 10 points deducted on every turn.

10. Stop playing this game and play with your daughter. For crying out loud, show her she has a father who loves her.

11. See how many monkeys you can pull out of that barrel at one time. Now dispose of them. What were you doing with all those rotting monkey corpses anyway?

12. To avoid the conflict one usually faces while playing Monopoly, game pieces will be distributed by height. The tallest player gets the bust of Ted Turner, the second tallest player gets the second largest bust of Ted Turner, and so on.

13. If playing underwater version, remember to obtain an extra large oxygen tank for the horse.

14. If playing on a commercial flight, it may be best to skip the round where every player is required to shout "Take me to Newark or everybody dies!"

15. To avoid giving any player an unfair advantage, no commissioned naval officers will be allowed to play during the "Maritime Law" round.

16. Typical game lasts between 3 and 7 years. Make sure to free up your schedule and put someone responsible in charge of the waste bucket.

17. Points are earned by answering questions asked by the "Mystic Cube." If the Mystic Cube starts insulting your mother, just try to ignore it and skip your turn.

18. Players younger than seven can play, but they are responsible for their own safety if they pull the card that reads "Mongoose stomping."

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