Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Love low-scoring but hate physical contact? Have we got the sport for you

Thursday, April 22, 2010

EVO 4G is for ME

I'm gonna try my best to win this thing, cuz it's just about the greatest phone I've ever seen on the market. Steve Jobs dont got nothin on this master of speed and open source!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I got 7 out of 10!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Pool rules at Florida condo complex

Odd list of swimming pool rules. I guess the last one makes sense though - some people may think the other rules ensure that the water is safe for drinking

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Thursday, April 02, 2009

What did he say???

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It's over — we're officially, royally fucked.

No empire can survive being rendered a permanent laughingstock, which is what happened as of a few weeks ago, when the buffoons who have been running things in this country finally went one step too far. It happened when Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was forced to admit that he was once again going to have to stuff billions of taxpayer dollars into a dying insurance giant called AIG, itself a profound symbol of our national decline — a corporation that got rich insuring the concrete and steel of American industry in the country's heyday, only to destroy itself chasing phantom fortunes at the Wall Street card tables, like a dissolute nobleman gambling away the family estate in the waning days of the British Empire.

The latest bailout came as AIG admitted to having just posted the largest quarterly loss in American corporate history — some $61.7 billion. In the final three months of last year, the company lost more than $27 million every hour. That's $465,000 a minute, a yearly income for a median American household every six seconds, roughly $7,750 a second. And all this happened at the end of eight straight years that America devoted to frantically chasing the shadow of a terrorist threat to no avail, eight years spent stopping every citizen at every airport to search every purse, bag, crotch and briefcase for juice boxes and explosive tubes of toothpaste. Yet in the end, our government had no mechanism for searching the balance sheets of companies that held life-or-death power over our society and was unable to spot holes in the national economy the size of Libya (whose entire GDP last year was smaller than AIG's 2008 losses).

So it's time to admit it: We're fools, protagonists in a kind of gruesome comedy about the marriage of greed and stupidity. And the worst part about it is that we're still in denial — we still think this is some kind of unfortunate accident, not something that was created by the group of psychopaths on Wall Street whom we allowed to gang-rape the American Dream.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Go twit yourself

I think this pretty much sums up how I feel about the most ridiculous fad since Beanie Babies. I strongly implore you all to get a life.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Nicolas Cage Movie Plot Generator:


1. Nicolas Cage is an Oscar winning Hollywood movie star who abruptly quit acting at the height of his abilities.

2. He has starred in dozens of films since that time.

3. Cage is one of the youngest actors ever to enter the "Seriously, I Don't Give a Shit" stage of his career. And while actors like Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro have perfected the art of phoning-in a performance, nobody has quite matched Cage's ability to make us wonder if he's fucking with us.

4. Post giving a shit, Cage films are plotted in much the way burritos are ordered at Chipotle. By choosing different combinations from a small, fixed menu, Cage has been able to release an endless variety of barely different films.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Flip This House? Flip the channel.

In the year 2056, a sociological presentation on the greed and short-sightedness that drove the financial crisis of 2008 will probably open with an episode of Flip That House. The show follows modern-day gold prospectors buying, renovating and selling homes with turnarounds of as little as 30 days.

The show generally features houses that were successfully flipped and sold for tens of thousands of dollars in profit. Crack dens, run-down shanties, doghouses - they're all converted into McMansions in the span of 30 minutes and sold for half-a-million dollars by a sharply-dressed real estate agent who thinks it was a great idea to install granite countertops.

Each episode follows the same basic plot progression: house is bought, then house is fixed, then massive bags full of money are trucked to local bank branch. But the people flipping the houses fit one of three profiles: the young go-getter eager to get her feet wet in the "real world"; the father-son duo who rekindle their relationship over the project; and the chipper, sensible newlyweds who are renovating the house as their honeymoon.

The advice these people dispense on the show is to follow their lead to El Dorado, the city of gold. But advice is only as good as the results it achieves, and it's more profitable now to flip burgers than houses. The fact is that house flipping most likely created more divorcees than millionaires, and each episode of Flip That House is probably directly responsible for 10-20 mortgage defaults from people trying to play along at home.

House-flipping is actually slightly more complicated than this

Friday, November 21, 2008

Hannah Montana Gummi Cocks

What is clearly a gummi dong to my eyes is supposedly a guitar. But yes, the candy is real and yes, the flesh-colored phalluses are in every bag.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I know who I'm voting for!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A conversation between the people who hid in my closet every night when I was seven

freddy krueger: When do you guys want to kill him?

murderer from the six o’clock news: How about right now?

dead uncle whose body i saw at an open casket funeral: I say we do it when he gets up to pee. You know, when he’s walking down the hallway, in the dark.

freddy krueger: What if he doesn’t get up?

murderer: He’ll get up. Look at how he’s squirming. It’s only a matter of time.

dead uncle: Man, I cannot wait to kill this kid.

murderer: Same here.

freddy krueger: I’ve wanted to kill him ever since he saw my movie.

dead uncle: Hey, do you guys remember that night-light Simon used to have?

murderer: Man, that thing scared the heck out of me.

freddy krueger: It’s a good thing his mom got rid of it. Now there’s nothing to stop us from killing him. (Everyone nods in agreement.)

dr. murphy: Hey, guys, sorry I’m late. I was busy scheduling an appointment with Simon, to give him shots. freddy krueger: No problem.

(Freddy Krueger and Dr. Murphy do their secret handshake.)

murderer: It’s getting kind of crowded in here. Chucky, can you move over?

chucky: I’m over as far as I can get.

murderer: I need more space than you’re giving me. I’m a lot bigger than you.

chucky: Are you calling me short?

dr. murphy: Hey, guys, relax, all right? We’re all here for the same reason: to kill and possibly eat Simon.

murderer: (Sighs.) You’re right. I’m sorry.

chucky: Yeah . . . me too. I kind of lost perspective.

dr. murphy: It’s okay. Just remember: we’re all in this together.

dead uncle: Hey, it looks like he’s getting up! Wait a minute . . . where’s he going?

chucky: I think he’s running into his mom’s room!

dead uncle: Maybe we should follow him?

chucky: Are you insane? I’m not facing that kid’s mother. That woman is terrifying!

murderer: Seriously, there is no way I’m going in there.

freddy krueger: (Sighs.) I guess tonight’s a bust. Let’s try tomorrow, okay? Same time, same place.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

My new board game

Here are the rules to my new game...break them, and you are killed during the game:

1. Game is played by 1 to 248 players, none of whom can be left-handed or have a latex allergy.

2. When your turn starts, turn over the timer. Once the sand runs out, your turn is up and you must drink the contents of the timer. Refill as needed.

3. Just to be safe, shout "Jumanji!" at every turn. Not to avoid being hunted or stampeded by wild animals, but to avoid spending absolutely any time with Robin Williams.

4. If on any given turn you roll a seven, you have received a misshapen die and should exchange it immediately.

5. Wondering where you begin as you look at that big, blank gameboard? You laid it out the wrong way. Flip it over.

6. One player will be designated "Admiral." When it is the Admiral's turn, he or she must press the big, red button at the center of the board. If the board shouts "LINDA RONSTADT!" everyone has to run outside and start eating grass.

7. You may wonder when the "biting stick" comes into play. When you get to the bonus round, believe me, you'll know.

8. The baby kangaroo with a laser cannon strapped to his back will stay in the corner for the duration of the game. Just follow the rules and you don't need to be concerned with him.

9. Ugly people get 10 points deducted on every turn.

10. Stop playing this game and play with your daughter. For crying out loud, show her she has a father who loves her.

11. See how many monkeys you can pull out of that barrel at one time. Now dispose of them. What were you doing with all those rotting monkey corpses anyway?

12. To avoid the conflict one usually faces while playing Monopoly, game pieces will be distributed by height. The tallest player gets the bust of Ted Turner, the second tallest player gets the second largest bust of Ted Turner, and so on.

13. If playing underwater version, remember to obtain an extra large oxygen tank for the horse.

14. If playing on a commercial flight, it may be best to skip the round where every player is required to shout "Take me to Newark or everybody dies!"

15. To avoid giving any player an unfair advantage, no commissioned naval officers will be allowed to play during the "Maritime Law" round.

16. Typical game lasts between 3 and 7 years. Make sure to free up your schedule and put someone responsible in charge of the waste bucket.

17. Points are earned by answering questions asked by the "Mystic Cube." If the Mystic Cube starts insulting your mother, just try to ignore it and skip your turn.

18. Players younger than seven can play, but they are responsible for their own safety if they pull the card that reads "Mongoose stomping."