Been workin a lot lately

Since I've been workin 10-12 hour days for quite some time now, I thought it necessary to have a list of reasons for why I'm not coming into work anymore. Let me know which ones you think are the most useful/believeable.

1) If it's all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2) I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, re-living Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source exactly, resetting the clocks in the
house, while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a
rolled up Union Tribune. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

3) My stigmata's acting up.

4) I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...

5) I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the
supermarket.

6) Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

7) I'd prefer to remain an enigma.

8) can't come in because I am converting my calendar from Julian
to Gregorian.

9) I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

10) I'm just checking to make sure everything is okay with my not
coming in today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little
agreement at last year's Christmas party.